How Do We Express Our Fears and Concerns Without Conflict?

Description: Avoids expressing needs, opinions, or feelings directly. Often puts others first at the expense of self.

Behaviors:

• Struggles to set boundaries
• May feel resentful or unheard
• Uses body language (shrugs, silence) more than words

Trauma Link: Often seen in those with high ACEs or anxious/avoidant attachment, who fear conflict or rejection.

Description: Expresses needs and feelings in a forceful, controlling, or emotionally intense way.

Behaviors:

• Uses “you” statements (“You never help me”)
• Interrupts or talks over others
• Often escalates conflict rather than resolving it

Trauma Link: Can stem from environments where control or domination was modeled as the only way to be heard.

Description: Expresses anger or dissatisfaction indirectly, often through sarcasm, avoidance, or subtle digs.

Behaviors:

• Says one thing but means another
• Uses guilt, sarcasm, or silent treatment
• Avoids direct conflict while harboring resentment

Trauma Link: Common when emotional expression wasn’t safe or modeled; a mix of internalized anger and fear of confrontation.

Description: Clearly expresses thoughts, needs, and feelings in a respectful and calm way—while also considering the other person’s experience.

Behaviors:

• Uses “I” statements (“I feel hurt when...”)
• Listens actively and responds thoughtfully
• Maintains boundaries without guilt

Trauma-Informed Tip: Assertiveness can be learned and practiced, even if it wasn't modeled early in life. It’s the foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety in relationships.

A: High emotional stress activates survival responses (fight, flight, freeze), which can impair communication. Learning tools like validation and slowing down helps keep the connection safe. 

A:  Active listening means fully focusing, reflecting back what was heard, and validating your partner’s experience. It shows them they’re seen and understood, even if you disagree. 

A:  Fear of being a burden, fear of conflict, or old attachment wounds often block honest expression. Learning safe expression through “I” statements builds trust over time. 

A:  Yes. Patterns aren’t fixed. With awareness, intention, and practice, couples can shift from reactive to responsive communication, even during crisis.